shiver at the horror of that horrible alpine green!

shiver at the horror of that horrible alpine green!

i’m going to take a break from writing about how we got this beast to what i’m currently trying to do to it, one room at a time. today we’ll talk about the master bath and the horrors it has brought us and how today i’m gonna whip some of it’s sad ass in shape.

the above photo is of the bathroom the morning we bought the house. oh the surprises it had lurking for us, waiting for us, hiding from us. ready to taunt us and laugh silently.

apparently the people who lived here before either didn’t care about how to do things right or…. didn’t care about anything. they slapped paint on, literally. it was slapped on. it wasn’t carefully applied and the whole purpose of painting something is to make it look better than what it was before. there are paint streaks in places that weren’t supposed to have paint on them, and they just painted over hardware and dead bugs. that is right, ladies and gentlemen, throughout the house, where ever they have painted, they just painted over what laid in front of it. dead bugs, clumps of dirt and dust, whatever was there.

don’t even get me started on how badly they painted the kitchen. grrr!

but the paint isn’t the only problem with the master bath. oh, no. far from! we’ll talk about function first!

this bathroom doesn’t really “function” in the ways normal bathrooms function. the sink actually pulls away from the wall. under the sink i found a piece of carpet that was rather gross, and when removing it, found it was actually covering a giant open hole to underneath the house where any critter could get in and things can fall out. the fan and exhaust are loud and noisy and don’t really vent anything. the shower head they left didn’t rain water down on you, it pounded you with a hot mist that made every surface in the bathroom wet for hours (since the fan didn’t work) including the outlets. it took us a week to figure out how to turn the shower on from the bath, because you actually have to pull on the bath spigot, which is made of cheap plastic, and the spigot isn’t attached to the wall of the bathstall, no, it juts out, easy to knock around. the bathstall itself is one of those horrible install-a-stall jobs done badly. they installed it over a useful window! not to mention the size of it is so tiny and cramped as it is. the cream of the crop of the non function bathroom is… the toilet didn’t work for two weeks.

that’s right folks, i had to poop in a bucket. oh, modern spoiled america!

we used three different types of plungers. two different kinds of plumbing snakes. that horrible acid smelling stuff you buy at the hardware store. even yogurt! all to no avail. what was it that was stopping up the toilet? well, the goblin found out when he unbolted the toilet and reached a gloved hand down there. the previous owners must of had lots of hate in them, because they flushed down a box of qtips, but with the plastic bars, instead of the fibery cotton. all the cotton had been eaten away by our acid stuff, but the plastic bars were crisscrossed in such a manner, nothing solid would go through, but did give leeway to the snakes poking down and about then would later reconvene like a baptist church on wednesday night to make troubles again with our pipes.

i hope never to poop in a bucket again in this house. in the woods, in a third world country, in the doctor’s office lest i get the bowel cancer, but never in my house again!

it also wouldn’t have been a problem if the half bathroom in the description of the house meant more than just somebody sitting a newly purchased toilet and sink in a room, but never connecting them to anything.

so these are the horrors of the master bath linked to functionality. onto the cosmetic!

that horrible alpine green. dear lord, it makes me gag. not to mention once more, the fact hardware is painted over, which makes life a little harder when you’re trying to correct alpine green mistakes. let us not forget the odd one vinyl sided wall made to look like bad tiling. it doesn’t even match the alpine green or the weird pink and green linoleum flooring. the put the shelf above the toilet way too high, and then have a random wooden shelf near the ceiling. wtf!?!?

the toilet is practically up against one wall and far from where they painted over the plastic toilet paper dispenser. they also painted over some plastic hooks to put towels on. on top of it all, they used some pale yellow for all the trim. again, painting over dust and dirt they didn’t bother to wash off before painting. not to mention the fact that the medicine cabinet that is built into the wall isn’t even centered with the sink. it’s man little things like that that make the whole room feel uneasy. noboday wants to stay or relax in that room. ever. it’s an in and out kind of thing.

if there was money falling from the sky into our laps, steel rod and i have decided we would re do this bathroom in an ancient roman style. tile and mosaics, clay colors, brass and/or copper fixtures, bigger tub, move the sink and toilet. maybe even get a fountain in there and make some storage. sounds simple enough, but kinda pricey. well, we don’t have that kind of cash (pft, we don’t really have any cash to spare currently) so i’m just gonna prime the bathroom today with some white Kilz i have left over from when some friends came down to help me prime the kitchen. i got a nice shower curtain i picked out from the place we lived before, and a matching bath rug i’ve had for ages. it should look tons better when i’m done with it today than it has in ages.

hell, eventually i want to go outside, open up that window, and cut that window out of that horrible install-a-stall and open up the bathroom even more.

so, less yakking from me, more painting. i can’t take that much ugly anymore! i’ll show you pictures tomorrow. promise.